Joke

[sarahd]

Oh my god, those are both a riot!

[D.O.D]

 We all remember  Eddie Guest\'s famous poem, " It Takes a  heap Of Livin\' To Make A  House A Home",  but do you remember his equally famous poem " It Takes A Heap O\'  Heapin\' To Make A Heap A Heap. " ?    D

[Chris DiCicco]

Funny Book ,

When will Jesus bring the Porkchops

by

George Carlin

READING IT NOW

[Jins]

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.As he sits down, another
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to
him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the World Cup final, the biggest sporting
event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come
with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we
haven\'t been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I\'m sorry to hear that. That\'s terrible. But couldn\'t you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"


The man shakes his head. "No. They\'re all at the funeral..."


 

[Jins]

You probably won\'t get this if you don\'t know the singer or the song or you don\'t know the footballer & wot he got up to lately, but if you do, prepare to cringe...sorry, so bad........

***

Breaking news........

Sophie Ellis Bextor found headbutted to death in the apartment of a
French footballer.

Apparently it was murder on Zidanes floor........


 

[gkg]

ah yes... murder on \'ze dance floor - nice one!

[D.O.D]

 Bathroom humor- A gentleman entered a public men\'s room to use the urinal. Next to him another gentleman was doing likewise. The first gentleman spoke to the second gentleman as follows:  Say, are you from Milwaukee ?   Why, yes, how did you know?  Asked the second gentleman.   First gentleman: " Well, I know a Rabbi from Milwaukee who cuts on the bias, and you are piddling on my shoe. "

[gkg]

hahahaha!!!!  

[D.O.D]

   Four " Ha\'s ",  I\'ll do better next time. DOD

[buswolley]

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
-- Mitch Ratliffe

Bible scholars have long wondered how old Isaac was when his father Abraham took him up to the mountain top to offer him as a sacrifice. Through careful study of the story as related in the Old Testament, based on the following facts:
1.      Issac was old enough to understand the ritual of sacrifice,
2.      Issac was old enough to carry wood for the fire to the top of the mountain,
3.      Issac was old enough to notice that they were not bringing an animal for the sacrifice.

Therefore Issac\'s age, at this time, was greater than 8 years old. Scholars also conclude that he was younger than 12 years old as supported by the following fact:
1.      If Issac had been older than twelve, he would have been a teenager and it would not have been a sacrifice.

[Jins]

Sorry if you\'re blonde but I didn\'t write this....  



 

[buswolley]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "But before you settle in, we\'re not sure what to do with you. We never had a politician before."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I\'d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we\'ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one day in heaven Then you can choose where to spend your eternity."

"Really, I\'ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I\'m sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and down he goes. Suddenly, he in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance there is a clubhouse filled with politicians who had worked with him, they shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy. They have a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven.

24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time, and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you\'ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, and answers, "I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he\'s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don\'t understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there\'s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

[gkg]

SO true!!!

[Chris DiCicco]

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

He saw Buckethead setting up a concert...

bok bwok bok bokethed ...

Chris DiCicco

[stuffyrandL]

This one is a little dirty.  I heard Willie Nelson tell it!  So it has a music connection!  

What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
A piece of a** that will bring a tear to your eye!

Another Willie one!  (I think these came from a movie)

What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A playboy!

Though, my Grampie was a farmer and he never did anything to his animals!  So, any farmers, please don\'t be offended.  I know farmers don\'t do it with their animals!  LOL!  They were funnier when Willie Nelson told them than they are written.   :-/