Joke

[sarahd]

A++  The pinochio one is funny!!

[sarahd]

 A math teacher arrested 03/05/06 12:52 PM

At New York\'s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, The US attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of mathinstruction.

Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, the attorney general said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like \'x\' and\'y\' and refer to themselves as \'unknowns\', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, \'there are 3 sides to every triangle\'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."


 

[D.O.D]

  The absolute winner !   Dod

[gkg]

  that one is terrific!!  i\'ll never remember it verbatim but it\'s really great!

[sarahd]

I just can\'t seem to stop (keep reading past the first one or two:  they get funnier:

  BRAIN CRAMPS



(On September 17, 1994, Alabama\'s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?


Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"


--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest


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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can\'t help but cry. I mean I\'d love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."                                  
--Mariah Carey


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"Smoking kills. If you\'re killed, you\'ve lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .


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"I\'ve never had major knee surgery on any other part my body,"    
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward


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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

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"I\'m not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.


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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I\'m just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn\'t pollution that\'s harming the environment. It\'s
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix "

--Dan Quayle

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"We\'ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much

clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn\'t applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don\'t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .


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"If we don\'t succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

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"Traditionally, most of Australia \'s imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there\'ll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?

[gkg]

those are terrific!  of course there is my all time favorite:

"I know how hard it is to put food on your family" - yup, that was GW Bush, brainiac extraordinaire.

[dirtface]

Huh, gkg. I ain\'t never tried that so I just cannot comment.

Sarahd, your math joke is a great one. Thanks!

[Aquabot]

Yeah, great joke Sarahd.  

[AMD]

The Thermodynamics of Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle\'s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let\'s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle\'s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting Oh my God.

[gkg]

wicked wicked wicked AMD... watch out for the lightening bolt!  

[Chris DiCicco]

wicked wicked wicked AMD... watch out for the lightening bolt!  

to hek with the lightening bolt, I\'d watch out for Kid! One Smart Cookie this Kid......

Chris

[dirtface]

Don\'t worry Chris,
if the kid you are referring to is the student in the quiz I can vouch that he is no longer a kid. This joke was floating around way back when I was just an Engineering student.... long, long, long ago.

Nonetheless, it is a very good joke that, I believe, was told verbatim ta boot!

Thanks for the chance to reminisce AMD.

[Chris DiCicco]

I\'m not worried, I work with some Kids, who in a matter of seconds could drive Me bats with what they know.... Ah Kids as in University Types, but useually its just a Ghost Thing er Crazy Janitor er er across between the Janitor in the Hulk and the Janitor in Good Will Hunting ......

I don\'t Know, not Joking thou.

If I think about it, it will happen but I don\'t make radioactive Poodles, the Chicks don\'t hang around with bookworms in a Bar.

Ghost+Janitor= Me I also Play Bass, Ukulele among otherthings.

Jokes


How Many Head Shrinkers in a Dozen?

1 and 2!

What Did the Firefighter say to the Midget?

Smell smoke Yet!

A Blonde Walked into a Bar.........What was the Joke?

Hey thats Not Funny!

Goodnight Everybody!


Chris

[D.O.D]

 It\'s The Early Bird....     The prince and princess of a small eastern principality , whose sole function in life was to produce an unending line of heirs  to the throne of that country, appeared to be failing in their duty; as time passed, no heirs  were forthcoming.    Clinical examination  revealed that the prince  was the deficient one. He was sterile.!   The heads of state, therefore, convened and prevailed upon  a blood relative of the royal family living in the nearby principality , to contribute  his potency to the problem, via artificial insemination.     At this point the miracle of science took over.   With precise timing, all was in readiness; a helicopter soon was winging it\'s way to the princess with it\'s precious cargo. The medical staff awaited. The whirring sound of an approaching aircraft could be heard. Suddenly one of the technicians pointed skyward, shouting.... " Behold!  It\'s the whirlybird  that fetches the  sperm !"

[Chris DiCicco]

WHAT?!

Prince!?

Helicopter?!

I don\'t get this one?

I must be the GOOSE!

Honk Honk honk honk plat plat plat?

Chris

(I Mean GOOSE) HONK!