Some People go to the Dentist to get they\'r teeth cleaned, I go to the Dentist to give Blood.....
Ha Ha Ha
Chris
QuoteI go to give teeth. Dod
Ugh.
Ooh :-[
been there done that
hope to never have to do it agien.
I\'ll keep my sick humour to myself, if it causes remembered pain.
SORRY
I\'m so Boke, I can\'t even affod the R\'s
Thats It Good Night everybody!
Chris
Of the many sordid subjects for humor- execution, beheading, hanging, mutilation, pillage, rape, dueling, mental illness, etc. -all are really quite sick .. Is there a rationale ? Humor was once defined as the momentary ascendency of one person (s) over another, the jokester and victim. If that brief level of superiority lasts for just a few seconds, it can be funny. More than a moment, it\'s not funny. It become insulting, cruel, mean, even sick. The illustrated cartoon invites the viewer to witness that moment of inequality, just briefly.... beyond that someone could get killed.! Dod
QuoteOf the many sordid subjects for humor- execution, beheading, hanging, mutilation, pillage, rape, dueling, mental illness, etc. -all are really quite sick .. Is there a rationale ? Humor was once defined as the momentary ascendency of one person (s) over another, the jokester and victim. If that brief level of superiority lasts for just a few seconds, it can be funny. More than a moment, it\'s not funny. It become insulting, cruel, mean, even sick. The illustrated cartoon invites the viewer to witness that moment of inequality, just briefly.... beyond that someone could get killed.! Dod
I see yer point...
and I see your responses were removed, making this post and the RE\'s make little or no sense.
Chris
i believe that DOD removes them himself...
i do agree with what he says about the humor, and yet... it is perhaps the saddest irony that the deaths in response to the attempted humor he mentions only serve to make the humor appear as truth and thus all becomes madness and mayhem.
freedom of speech does protect all speech, even speech i deplore. for some, that is a bitter pill. tragic that it causes some to seek a blood debt for a paper insult.
OH MY,
WHAT HAVE I Caused NOW!
two very funny jokes
TALK about removeing posts WOOFF!?
Chris
no, you haven\'t caused anything - DOD just does that. it happened in a thread where i talked to him and i thought the same thing, that i\'d offended him somehow, asked DOD about it - it\'s not a negative thing, it\'s just his way of tidying up.
Chris- I\'m on your side! Keep up with the sicko jokes. JOKE prompted me to think about humor in general. I\'m new at this. Should I not Pull threads off without notice ? Old DOD
they\'re your threads, DOD, you can do what you want with \'em. it\'s just a little startling and does sometimes do weird/interesting things to the context of what others in the thread are saying.
by the way, the book arrived - Yay! it\'s gonna make a wonderful Valentine\'s gift for my sweetie who is a big fan of yours.
QuoteChris- I\'m on your side! Keep up with the sicko jokes. JOKE prompted me to think about humor in general. I\'m new at this. Should I not Pull threads off without notice ? Old DOD
No Sides... HERE
as for sicko jokes, if I scratch at it the thing gets better... the thing with Me is they are far and fleeting...
I do have a pretty strange message on my answering machine at the moment, dealing with The American Belly Button Lint Knitters Association... All knitters are busy... (complete with sound FX) this idea to thwart the telemarketer and or sales person left Me in gails of painful laughter, I do hate talking to the Machines, fumbling for words and such.
Threads, if You pull a thread the seam will come out and if the seam comes out, the Post\'s and the Re\'s fall into a one sided letter and for a newcomer to the webforum , they will think ??? and leave... I think that is My main goal for joining this Forum is to spread the word and get wildly side tracked....
But do what You want.... I\'m just observing... sorry for the yikityyak believe system and metafor\'s (bad spelling too)
as I posted this I had a thought about looking up the ABBLKA on google if they spin fur from dog, I wonder....
Chris
Chris- Well done- DOD
Quote
as I posted this I had a thought about looking up the ABBLKA on google if they spin fur from dog, I wonder....
Chris
well I looked it up and got what I hope is some crazed womens fantasy magazine artical about her husband watching the game, while she\'s knitting from his belly button lint.
I\'ll spare everyone the link, becuase of the weirdness of it all feels almost like the twilght zone...
so the ABBLKA may in fact exist.
:o Chris ::)
Quoteso the ABBLKA may in fact exist.
when dealing with humans, one should always expect that the weirdest things may be true!
okay, here\'s one: if it\'s old, I\'m sorry:
Democrats make better lovers; who ever heard of a nice piece of elephant ;D ;D ;D
B+ DOD
A - at least
oldie but goodie - well worth reviving - i give it an A+
You win-- A+ DOD
Damn, its an oldie and I haven\'t even heard it?! Thanks! I feel young again.
Now as for the joke I like it! Very nice.
(http://www.kapitalismo.com/archives/SoxKidMiddleFinger.jpg)
I thought this was cute and funny.
;D
:o now where could have have learned a thing like that? ;)
A Guy goes into a Barber shop, with a mop of thick tangled hair.
the Barber asks " what do you want? "
the Guy says " make it so I don\'t look like a Humen kitchen Mop"
The Barber says " MY! you got a lot of hair " , "who you wanna look like...?"
the Guy " please make it look Normal, cut the sides and the back down, leave some on top.."
The Barber says " o.k. " and goes to work.
nicks the Guys Ear in the process of cutting down the huge head of hair...
the Guy says "Ouch! ... I said Normal not Van Gough"
bad umba scht!
This funny? Not to me I was the Guy... my ear still hurts.
Chris
Love the little Red Sox fan! LOL!
I saw telemarketers mentioned above and wanted to post this. I come home one day and my youngest is on the phone while my husband paints her toenails. All she\'s saying is "Yeah! Bye-bye! Hello!" The extent of her two year old phone vocab a the time. I asked who she was talking to and hubby says "Telemarketer. And this one is patient!" Turns out he had been doing this for a while, handing the phone to the baby. Works quite well and is very amusing to listen to from both ends. LOL!
I don\'t have a joke but a quote of sorts as I can\'t remember it exactly. Denis Leary said it at some point. And being an animal lover, I found it amusing.
"We\'ve had bird flu and dog flu....and no one has even looked at the cats? I\'m not waiting around for the mouse flu!"
It was much funnier when he said it.
One more funny then I have to get going. I have this annoying (to me) habit of switching letters which my friends find highly amusing. An example of it: I\'m telling a friend about spending summers on my Grampie\'s farm in NY near Lake Champlain. About the chores we had to do and how we played in the pastures and woods. All that jazz, so to speak. I tell her how one of my jobs was to push HALES OF BAY down from the haymow into the barn aisle. Classic example of the switch.
As you all can imagine, this can sometimes result in some very inappropriate switches. LOL!
And, if I try to avoid a topic, it comes up more often. So, say I\'m trying to avoid religion, I\'ll always end up mentioning it about forty times. Not very good at fibbing, I guess. LOL!
Sorry for the ramble! I\'m a funny bugger but only to hear! LOL! Now, take my singing......LOL!
Take care, y\'all!
Stuffy
Quote
I saw telemarketers mentioned above and wanted to post this. I come home one day and my youngest is on the phone while my husband paints her toenails. All she\'s saying is "Yeah! Bye-bye! Hello!" The extent of her two year old phone vocab a the time. I asked who she was talking to and hubby says "Telemarketer. And this one is patient!" Turns out he had been doing this for a while, handing the phone to the baby. Works quite well and is very amusing to listen to from both ends. LOL!
One more funny then I have to get going. I have this annoying (to me) habit of switching letters which my friends find highly amusing. An example of it: I\'m telling a friend about spending summers on my Grampie\'s farm in NY near Lake Champlain. About the chores we had to do and how we played in the pastures and woods. All that jazz, so to speak. I tell her how one of my jobs was to push HALES OF BAY down from the haymow into the barn aisle. Classic example of the switch.
As you all can imagine, this can sometimes result in some very inappropriate switches. LOL!
And, if I try to avoid a topic, it comes up more often. So, say I\'m trying to avoid religion, I\'ll always end up mentioning it about forty times. Not very good at fibbing, I guess. LOL!
Sorry for the ramble! I\'m a funny bugger but only to hear! LOL! Now, take my singing......LOL!
Take care, y\'all!
Stuffy
the classic hand off to someone else, is a great way to deal with Telemarketers, pure genius that it be a toddler. I have put the phone down when watching a movie next to the speaker and hours latter forgetting all about the phone pick it up and the Telemarketer is still there saying " hello hello hello" I geuss that makes me evil in torturing the poor soul, who does that for a living.
As for switching words, You\'r not alone when I am in a hurry writting note for class and the teach is talking a mile a minute, I write a couple of the letters then go back and write the whole word and then continue with the statement, the teach has seen me do this a number of times, thinking he talks to fast and slows in his confusion over my patchwritten skill but then goes right back into talking a mile a minute.
Rambling is OK!
Chris
I always go out and see a bunch of Runners...
But I never see any Cops.
What are they running from?
Chris
Quote:o now where could have have learned a thing like that? ;)
Ahh yes, a coach in the making I see. It is important to learn sportsmanship at an early age isn\'t it?
dirtface wrote:
QuoteIt is important to learn sportsmanship at an early age isn\'t it?
one can only hope the little tyke got a chance to watch the Olympic hockey, especially the game for the gold - the Fins and Swedes have a long standing and deep rivalry, and yet as rough as the sport may be, they were perfect examples of sportsmanship. for some reason that is sorely lacking in US sports these days.
Presenting the world\'s shortest complete sentence, and the first short story: " Adam Had \'em. "
C+ :-/
Please try again ;D
One more time !... Presenting the world\'s shortest complete sentence, and the first short story : " Adam Had \'Em. "
There\' something missing....I don\'t know what it is.
It\'s still a C+
Balls?
Adam had \'em first, Eve got \'em shortly thereafter.
I like how your short story rolls off the tongue D.O.D
A for Assonance!
Lets give this space back to Dragonson.
It\'s Fleas!
Adam Had \'em. A poem by Ogden Nash.
The title is Fleas
See:
http://www.epcc.edu/faculty/joeo/classrooms/pom_fleas.htm
For a thorough analysis
what? it wasn\'t original work what? :-/
QuoteLets give this space back to Dragonson.
LOL DOD you are redeemed harhar!
QuoteLets give this space back to Dragonson.
That must be the best joke so far, D.O.D, I give you a A+ for this one. ;D
why didnt the lifegard save the drowning hippy?
he was too far out!!!
ok, Chris, you force me to go with the worst joke I\'ve ever heard.... Two cannibals are preparing dinner: First cannibal says: " I hate your brother ! " Second cannibal replies : Thats alright, just eat the noodles. "
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn\'t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let\'s make sure he\'s dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy\'s voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
What\'s the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
You can tune a guitar, but you can\'t tuna fish.
Oh My this post I\'ve created is a monster ....
I LIKE IT! LIVE ON LIVE ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris
St Peter was feeling a little under the weather one day so Jesus offered to stand watch at the gates of Heaven for a day. Shortly an ancient, old man approached the gate seeking entrance. He appeared very confused. Jesus speaking: " can you tell us something about yourself ?... do you have any relatives ? " Can you describe any of them ? " The old man tried to recall.... " I think I had a son; he had markings ... scars or holes on his hands or wrist." Jesus, with aroused interest, looked searchingly at the old man and asked, "Father ?" Whereupon the old man looked back equally aroused and inquired, " Pinnochio ? "
A++ ;D ;D ;D The pinochio one is funny!!
A math teacher arrested 03/05/06 12:52 PM
At New York\'s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, The US attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of mathinstruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, the attorney general said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like \'x\' and\'y\' and refer to themselves as \'unknowns\', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, \'there are 3 sides to every triangle\'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
;D
The absolute winner ! Dod
:o that one is terrific!! i\'ll never remember it verbatim but it\'s really great!
I just can\'t seem to stop (keep reading past the first one or two: they get funnier:
BRAIN CRAMPS
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama\'s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can\'t help but cry. I mean I\'d love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills. If you\'re killed, you\'ve lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I\'ve never had major knee surgery on any other part my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
`````````````````````````````
"I\'m not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I\'m just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn\'t pollution that\'s harming the environment. It\'s
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
```````````````````
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix "
--Dan Quayle
``````````
"We\'ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
```````````
"The word "genius" isn\'t applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don\'t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don\'t succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia \'s imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there\'ll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?
those are terrific! of course there is my all time favorite:
"I know how hard it is to put food on your family" - yup, that was GW Bush, brainiac extraordinaire.
Huh, gkg. I ain\'t never tried that so I just cannot comment.
Sarahd, your math joke is a great one. Thanks!
Yeah, great joke Sarahd. :)
The Thermodynamics of Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle\'s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let\'s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle\'s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting Oh my God.
wicked wicked wicked AMD... watch out for the lightening bolt! :D
Quotewicked wicked wicked AMD... watch out for the lightening bolt! :D
to hek with the lightening bolt, I\'d watch out for Kid! One Smart Cookie this Kid...... ???
Chris
Don\'t worry Chris,
if the kid you are referring to is the student in the quiz I can vouch that he is no longer a kid. This joke was floating around way back when I was just an Engineering student.... long, long, long ago.
Nonetheless, it is a very good joke that, I believe, was told verbatim ta boot!
Thanks for the chance to reminisce AMD.
I\'m not worried, I work with some Kids, who in a matter of seconds could drive Me bats with what they know.... Ah Kids as in University Types, but useually its just a Ghost Thing er Crazy Janitor er er across between the Janitor in the Hulk and the Janitor in Good Will Hunting ......
I don\'t Know, not Joking thou.
If I think about it, it will happen but I don\'t make radioactive Poodles, the Chicks don\'t hang around with bookworms in a Bar.
Ghost+Janitor= Me I also Play Bass, Ukulele among otherthings.
Jokes
How Many Head Shrinkers in a Dozen?
1 and 2!
What Did the Firefighter say to the Midget?
Smell smoke Yet!
A Blonde Walked into a Bar.........What was the Joke?
Hey thats Not Funny!
Goodnight Everybody!
Chris
It\'s The Early Bird.... The prince and princess of a small eastern principality , whose sole function in life was to produce an unending line of heirs to the throne of that country, appeared to be failing in their duty; as time passed, no heirs were forthcoming. Clinical examination revealed that the prince was the deficient one. He was sterile.! The heads of state, therefore, convened and prevailed upon a blood relative of the royal family living in the nearby principality , to contribute his potency to the problem, via artificial insemination. At this point the miracle of science took over. With precise timing, all was in readiness; a helicopter soon was winging it\'s way to the princess with it\'s precious cargo. The medical staff awaited. The whirring sound of an approaching aircraft could be heard. Suddenly one of the technicians pointed skyward, shouting.... " Behold! It\'s the whirlybird that fetches the sperm !"
WHAT?!
Prince!?
Helicopter?!
I don\'t get this one?
I must be the GOOSE!
Honk Honk honk honk plat plat plat?
Chris
(I Mean GOOSE) HONK!
Gkg- Where are you when we need you ?. Explain pun- Play on words etc. DOD
LOL!!! where was i at that precise moment... well, let\'s just say i was being very happy. ;)
as for the pun - Chris, you\'re too smart not to get this and i suspect you may be pulling our collective leg on this one but it\'s a play on the old parable "it\'s the early bird that catches the worm".
a helicopter is also known as a "whirlybird", therefore, ipso facto, presto chango...
"it\'s the whirlybird that fetches the sperm"
D.O.D - my father lived for puns and was well known (or scolded??) for slipping puns into headlines all the time. you two would have hit it off quite well.
VVVV :-* :-* SMOOCHES! to D.O.D! :-* :-* VVVV
Oh, thank you, thank you ! DOD
OH!...... feet!
Gotcha Now I\'m the Ringtailed Monkey dancing for a bit and two.
Not pulling legs (not anymore?)
In truth I have heard the early bird gets the worm, but this whole elabrate story line for line, I have never heard.
Jokes be told to fool the poster another time did he and when the poster was the stumper another poster told thee first a story to sooth a fable he heard under table with childlike glee, but years have had passed and things bigger came to the last for poster forgets the finer things of Yee.
( that ones free, tramatized my brain in ryming...oi I\'m gonna get a big WOPN fer that)
Chris
worth repeating,
Stephen King,
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Becuse it was stapled to the Dead Baby...
What did Kenny G say when He got off the Elavator?
Man this Place Rocks...
:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D
Dear Friends and Relatives:
I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of George W. Bush. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington, D. C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie or beside Dick Cheney, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. Columbus left not knowing where he was going,and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been and he\'d done it all on someone else\'s money.
Thank you.
George W. Bush Monument Committee
P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.
ROFLMAO!! buswolley did you come up with that one on your own?? i love it!!
No I didn\'t, but thanks for thinking I\'m that cleaver. Glad it made you smile. How about this one...
25 Things To Do BEFORE the Bush Master Plan goes into effect:
1. Get that abortion you\'ve always wanted.
2. Have coffee with your gay friends in a public place.
3. Cash a Social Security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with your draft-age child/grandchild.
6. Visit Syria (or any foreign country, for that matter).
7. Get that gas mask you\'ve been putting off buying.
8. Hoard gasoline (too late!)
9. Borrow books from library before they\'re banned - constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Huckleberry Finn, etc.
10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix...do it now.
11. Jam in all the stem cell research you can.
12. Stay out late before the curfews start.
13. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
14. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
15. Use the phrase "you can\'t do that - this is America".
16. Take a walk in Yosemite without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.
17. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
18. Start your school day without being forced to pray.
19. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
20. Learn French.
21. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
22. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
23. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
24. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
25. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a state.
check this out: You can yank him any which way. Just drag him with your cursor: http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
those are both terrific - in a sad sick way.
:D
Quotecheck this out: You can yank him any which way. Just drag him with your cursor: http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
I have seen this before someone sent Me a link, then said it was corrupt, this is the third version, the first was a semi naked Women, then George and now Georgie...
Hypnotic!
Bubbles!
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Hillary Clinton was out
jogging one morning along the
parkway when she tripped, fell over the
bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get
to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her
out of the water. She was so grateful she
offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Hillary says, "No problem,
I\'ll take you there on my special Senator\'s airplane."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of
Nike Air Jordan\'s." Hillary says,
"I\'ll get them for you and even have Michael
sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized
wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo
headset!" Hillary is a little perplexed by this
and says, "But you don\'t look like
you\'re handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds
out I saved your ass from drowning."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
ah, outta the mouths of babes. ;o)
Breakfast with the Commander-In-Chief
One morning Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies,"I\'ll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.
He replies,"How about a quickie?"
"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude! You\'re starting to talk like Mr. Clinton. You are a pig and I am disgusted!
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It\'s pronounced "quiche".
No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
hehehehe - terrific, though sorry for the electrons inconvenienced. i wonder if they find it more amusing to toss around a visual... now this is a wonderful visual joke...
http://www.villagevoice.com/home/index.php?page=toc
or is it? ;)
Oh my god, those are both a riot!
We all remember Eddie Guest\'s famous poem, " It Takes a heap Of Livin\' To Make A House A Home", but do you remember his equally famous poem " It Takes A Heap O\' Heapin\' To Make A Heap A Heap. " ? D
Funny Book ,
When will Jesus bring the Porkchops
by
George Carlin
READING IT NOW
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.As he sits down, another
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to
him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the World Cup final, the biggest sporting
event, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come
with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we
haven\'t been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I\'m sorry to hear that. That\'s terrible. But couldn\'t you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They\'re all at the funeral..."
::) ;D
You probably won\'t get this if you don\'t know the singer or the song or you don\'t know the footballer & wot he got up to lately, but if you do, prepare to cringe...sorry, so bad........
***
Breaking news........
Sophie Ellis Bextor found headbutted to death in the apartment of a
French footballer.
Apparently it was murder on Zidanes floor........
;) ;D
ah yes... murder on \'ze dance floor - nice one!
Bathroom humor- A gentleman entered a public men\'s room to use the urinal. Next to him another gentleman was doing likewise. The first gentleman spoke to the second gentleman as follows: Say, are you from Milwaukee ? Why, yes, how did you know? Asked the second gentleman. First gentleman: " Well, I know a Rabbi from Milwaukee who cuts on the bias, and you are piddling on my shoe. "
hahahaha!!!! ;D
Four " Ha\'s ", I\'ll do better next time. DOD
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
-- Mitch Ratliffe
Bible scholars have long wondered how old Isaac was when his father Abraham took him up to the mountain top to offer him as a sacrifice. Through careful study of the story as related in the Old Testament, based on the following facts:
1. Issac was old enough to understand the ritual of sacrifice,
2. Issac was old enough to carry wood for the fire to the top of the mountain,
3. Issac was old enough to notice that they were not bringing an animal for the sacrifice.
Therefore Issac\'s age, at this time, was greater than 8 years old. Scholars also conclude that he was younger than 12 years old as supported by the following fact:
1. If Issac had been older than twelve, he would have been a teenager and it would not have been a sacrifice.
Sorry if you\'re blonde but I didn\'t write this.... :-*
(http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2006-3/1155237/KillerBiscs.jpg)
::)
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "But before you settle in, we\'re not sure what to do with you. We never had a politician before."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I\'d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we\'ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one day in heaven Then you can choose where to spend your eternity."
"Really, I\'ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I\'m sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and down he goes. Suddenly, he in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance there is a clubhouse filled with politicians who had worked with him, they shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy. They have a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven.
24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time, and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you\'ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, and answers, "I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he\'s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don\'t understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there\'s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
SO true!!!
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
He saw Buckethead setting up a concert...
bok bwok bok bokethed ...
Chris DiCicco
This one is a little dirty. I heard Willie Nelson tell it! So it has a music connection! :P
What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
A piece of a** that will bring a tear to your eye!
Another Willie one! (I think these came from a movie)
What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A playboy!
Though, my Grampie was a farmer and he never did anything to his animals! So, any farmers, please don\'t be offended. I know farmers don\'t do it with their animals! LOL! They were funnier when Willie Nelson told them than they are written. :-/
?The Dukes of Hazard Movie?
this movie is loaded with these jokes from Willie
stuffyrandL have You seen this movie its pretty funny, What Willie says and does, that had me in stitches.
Dig Willie Jokes!
Chris DiCicco
Hi, Chris! No, I haven\'t seen the movie because I heard it was really bad. But how could anything with Willie in it be bad? LOL! So, it\'s worth a rental then?
I heard these on a local alternative radio station, I think! LOL! But, my daughter has the Dukes soundtrack so maybe there? :-/ I\'ll have to check it out! LOL!
Bad? o.k. if yer a die hard fan of the tv show then yes its bad, but if yer like me and barly remember the tv show and want to see some funny jokes told by Willie Nelson as Jessy Duke then rent it.... I wasn\'t aware of the soundtrack?
Chris DiCicco
Sorry, been away a bit! LOL! It is on her soundtrack! LOL! I do love the TV show as I grew up with it. We used to play Dukes all the time. As the only girl, the boys would try to make me be Daisy but I always wanted to be Luke Duke! LOL! One of the kids in the neighborhood even had the General Lee power wheels car. Ah, to be six again! ROFL!
I guess I might have to rent that one! Nothing can be recreated perfectly and my understanding was that it wasn\'t going to be a recreation of the show.
One man is feeding birds in the park with bits of Bread on the bench beside him is another Man, Who is dumping watches and clocks on the ground.
the first Man says to the Second Man " WHAT ARE YOU DOING! " the second Man responds with " I like to have free time".
Original Joke peoples!
Chris DiCicco
:-[ Sorry, wot\'s Brench?
:-*
Why Can\'t We Feed The Bears?
The following views are actually suggestions and comments that have been received by the National Forest Service from visitors to our nation\'s parks. We\'re not sure they were barking up the right tree...
"Need more signs to keep the park pristine."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill areas of the hiking trails."
"More families would enjoy the parks and city children could learn more about nature if the Parks Department would provide services that include arcades, water slides and child care."
"A big hotel with a golf course and even a convention center would attract more people to this natural beauty."
"Instead of a permit system or fees, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to the wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"We found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Many trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building ones that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spider webs. Please spray wilderness areas to rid them of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to the wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"It would be nice to have the Kodak scenic markers so we could identify the photographic sites."
"I like all the trees but you need to plant some flowers. Flower gardens would be so pretty in the forest."
"The giant trees are spectacular but there are too many of the same kind; you should plant different types, for variety."
"Reflectors need to be placed on the trees every 50 feet so people could hike at night with flashlights."
"You should have a petting zoo here so that the children could touch the squirrels, deer and bears."
"I was stung by a bee; you should have warning signs."
"A McDonald\'s would be a nice sight at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks on the mountains."
"A deer came into my camp and stole my bag of chips. Is there away I can get reimbursed: Please call . . . . "
Oldfolkie- Put the "A\' material on my forum. This is good material. Burt